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[icon] I am not a PRETTY GIRL... That is not what I do.
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Time:07:46 am
today is my last day at bmw seattle.
I head to portland on Monday.
I head to sf the following weekend.

I can't fucking believe it.
I hope she feels better about herself and things turn back around...
before I forget how good it was.
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Subject:Just an FYI
Time:02:02 pm
My GFF rules.
I forgot all my food at home today so no lunch and no snacks.
She brought it to me.
Not only that but she packaged up some of my leftovers from teapot last night with some of her tempura.
cut up some strawberries and broccoli and carrots.
a bluesky cream soda.
and my panda licorice.

and she brought it to me. i.e.- walked that shit OVER here and then walked back home after laying in the sun with me for my lunch break (we live up a hill in both directions about 20-25 min away).

I love her.
everything is back to better than normal.
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Time:09:06 am
I move may 1st.
it's the first time I have lived with someone I dated and it is kind of freaking me out.
and it's totally gay.
the entire situation is so lesbian that maybe I should start identifing as such because I like it.
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Time:12:16 pm
Reason number one why I hate being in any sort of relationship with someone: I start to care about them, then I worry. When they don’t respond and the last time I talked to them they were sick/walking home alone/depressed/pissed off/etc, I think up every possible bad situation in my head of why they haven’t responded from they are still sleeping/I said something or contacted them too much/ I freaked them out/they are so ill they can’t come to the phone/they are in the hospital/ they kicked it/etc.
I check my phone every 5 seconds.

Stress…. Unneeded stress and anxiety.

Reason number two of why I hate being in any sort of relationship with someone: I haven’t been able to put words on what it is other than “this girl/person/boy… I am dating/fucking/etc…

Just confusing and weird. It is easier to just be like, “I am single” and fuck and cuddle with whoever I want without having anyone. Without feeling guilty. Without wishing they were there… what the fuck ever.

Fuck.
Fuck is the word for the day. Haha.
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Time:08:40 am
NO ONE
no one...
has ever kissed.
hugged.
or held me like this ever.
and it is so fucking hot.
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Subject:a vacation from the negativity.
Time:09:03 am
It took going "home" to my family to realise... my life doesn't suck afterall.
The life I left behind does,
not the one I am currently living.
Sometimes... I forget this.
I was unable to look in the mirror for a week without becoming ill.
The words, thoughts, reactions of others were starting to get to me.
i waked into my apartment, and I was able to do it again.
My vacation was toxic.
I woke up yesterday sick, sore, cranky, tired.
I woke up this morning, after only like 5 hours asleep.. in the same condition.
I drank water, went to the gym, started my daily routine...
I am not tired, sore, or cranky.
I am in fact, that happiest to be at work than I ever have been.

I am so happy to be home....
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Time:01:09 pm
Sometimes I get tired of hearing that I can call if I need to talk.
I appreciate it, don't get me wrong.
Sometimes the problem is that I feel like no one cares, or moreso that I don't have anyone in my life.
Sometimes I want someone to be near me, because they want to be near me. not because they want to fix my problem or be there for me at a very depressed time.
This is why i don't often display when something is wrong and why it may seem like I am a rollercoaster.
I want people to just want to be near me at any time, not just when I feel I am in a time of need.
i don't want to call because I need you.

Maybe I am a whiner?

Desperation.
Need for something to happen.
A slap across the face to tell me not to take my life for granted;
A kiss upon my forehead to remind me why I am here.
Instead... everything is stagnant.
A moribund life, torpid and waiting to be shaken.
I have alienated myself from everything I knew,
even myself.
I can't get myself to pick up the pieces.
An embarrassment.
Maybe assumptions about me are right.
Inside, I have been screaming,
throwing punches,
kicking,
fighting to get free from this body.
Begging for someone to see who I reall am.
Begging for someone to let me near them...
to want to be near me.
Well, now my throat is raw,
arms exhausted,
my soul has been depleated of energy, conceivably even of will
and maybe I have become who I display on the outside.
Maybe I should succumb.
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Subject:quote
Time:10:35 am
Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
L a u g h.
Choose with no regret.
Continue to Learn.
Appreciate your friends.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.

Mary Anne M.B.L. Radmacher
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Time:12:01 pm
Tricia pointed out to me how oblivious I am to things.
I honestly do not think I am remotely attractive and I am not sure why any of these people would be attracted to me...
But apparently I had 3 really hot social justice types flirting with me...

hmmm... how do I know if someone is flirting or not?
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Subject:burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Time:03:13 pm
it is so fucking cold. seriously. I cannot even deal with it.
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[icon] I am not a PRETTY GIRL... That is not what I do.
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (My Website).
You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
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