| today is my last day at bmw seattle.
I head to portland on Monday.
I head to sf the following weekend.
I can't fucking believe it.
I hope she feels better about herself and things turn back around...
before I forget how good it was. | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| My GFF rules.
I forgot all my food at home today so no lunch and no snacks.
She brought it to me.
Not only that but she packaged up some of my leftovers from teapot last night with some of her tempura.
cut up some strawberries and broccoli and carrots.
a bluesky cream soda.
and my panda licorice.
and she brought it to me. i.e.- walked that shit OVER here and then walked back home after laying in the sun with me for my lunch break (we live up a hill in both directions about 20-25 min away).
I love her.
everything is back to better than normal. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I move may 1st.
it's the first time I have lived with someone I dated and it is kind of freaking me out.
and it's totally gay.
the entire situation is so lesbian that maybe I should start identifing as such because I like it. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Reason number one why I hate being in any sort of relationship with someone: I start to care about them, then I worry. When they don’t respond and the last time I talked to them they were sick/walking home alone/depressed/pissed off/etc, I think up every possible bad situation in my head of why they haven’t responded from they are still sleeping/I said something or contacted them too much/ I freaked them out/they are so ill they can’t come to the phone/they are in the hospital/ they kicked it/etc.
I check my phone every 5 seconds.
Stress…. Unneeded stress and anxiety.
Reason number two of why I hate being in any sort of relationship with someone: I haven’t been able to put words on what it is other than “this girl/person/boy… I am dating/fucking/etc…”
Just confusing and weird. It is easier to just be like, “I am single” and fuck and cuddle with whoever I want without having anyone. Without feeling guilty. Without wishing they were there… what the fuck ever.
Fuck.
Fuck is the word for the day. Haha. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| NO ONE
no one...
has ever kissed.
hugged.
or held me like this ever.
and it is so fucking hot. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It took going "home" to my family to realise... my life doesn't suck afterall.
The life I left behind does,
not the one I am currently living.
Sometimes... I forget this.
I was unable to look in the mirror for a week without becoming ill.
The words, thoughts, reactions of others were starting to get to me.
i waked into my apartment, and I was able to do it again.
My vacation was toxic.
I woke up yesterday sick, sore, cranky, tired.
I woke up this morning, after only like 5 hours asleep.. in the same condition.
I drank water, went to the gym, started my daily routine...
I am not tired, sore, or cranky.
I am in fact, that happiest to be at work than I ever have been.
I am so happy to be home.... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Sometimes I get tired of hearing that I can call if I need to talk.
I appreciate it, don't get me wrong.
Sometimes the problem is that I feel like no one cares, or moreso that I don't have anyone in my life.
Sometimes I want someone to be near me, because they want to be near me. not because they want to fix my problem or be there for me at a very depressed time.
This is why i don't often display when something is wrong and why it may seem like I am a rollercoaster.
I want people to just want to be near me at any time, not just when I feel I am in a time of need.
i don't want to call because I need you.
Maybe I am a whiner?
Desperation.
Need for something to happen.
A slap across the face to tell me not to take my life for granted;
A kiss upon my forehead to remind me why I am here.
Instead... everything is stagnant.
A moribund life, torpid and waiting to be shaken.
I have alienated myself from everything I knew,
even myself.
I can't get myself to pick up the pieces.
An embarrassment.
Maybe assumptions about me are right.
Inside, I have been screaming,
throwing punches,
kicking,
fighting to get free from this body.
Begging for someone to see who I reall am.
Begging for someone to let me near them...
to want to be near me.
Well, now my throat is raw,
arms exhausted,
my soul has been depleated of energy, conceivably even of will
and maybe I have become who I display on the outside.
Maybe I should succumb. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | quote | | Time: | 10:35 am |
|
| Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
L a u g h.
Choose with no regret.
Continue to Learn.
Appreciate your friends.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.
Mary Anne M.B.L. Radmacher | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Tricia pointed out to me how oblivious I am to things.
I honestly do not think I am remotely attractive and I am not sure why any of these people would be attracted to me...
But apparently I had 3 really hot social justice types flirting with me...
hmmm... how do I know if someone is flirting or not? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| wednesday- wine and dyke movie.
thursday- a bottle and a half of wine while cooking myself thanksgiving dinner...starting at 11 am. Then got invited to go out where I consumed way too much booze and had a very unconventionally/ potentially awkward good time which ended up not being so awkward but me being depressed on the way home.
friday- Woke up only because i was going to puke on myself if i didn't run upstairs because I had the longest day of drinking EVER the day before. Mongolian food for lunch with hillarious and slightly embarrassing (in a fun way) company. Went to Pho with karsten. wasn't going to go out but got invited to go out with my longest standing crush as of the last 5 months. comeback. drunken moments with KC, Michelle, Kammee, and everyone else at Chop Suey. Hawt makeout sessions which i got shit for the next day and she doesn't remember. getting kicked out of the bathroom for having more than one person in the stall. Walking a drunk person home in like no clothes. Running back in heels. Went home alone and lonely... like most nights.
Saturday- I read my book all day. No seriously. It was great... and I went to Pho again! then Lick. Ridiculously stoned and delightfully buzzed. i was surrounded by hawtness and amazing dance partners. met and awesome new girl and got asked out on a "date" by a very, very cute boy. had a very good night like I always do at lick!
Sunday- worked all day. went to pho with my new fav gay boy and two of my fav ladies which I have seen more of this weekend than I have in months. Walked in the snow. Watched movie, chatted, and cuddled said crush while she fell asleep and BFF who I lose and regain contact with and I, consumed 2 bottles of wine, ate frozen pizza, and tried not to laugh too hard. I slept between two beautiful womenz... and um.. got cuddled by said crush all night. it was the ultimate non sexual sleepover ever.
I have exhausted all resources so I will not be on dates anytime soon really. Which I have decided is okay because my head fucking hurts. seriously. There are only 2 people that I have real interest in right now and the rest are just crushes and... i don't feel like working for ANYTHING anymore and have made some amazing "friends" through this process. I do however, have everyday this week booked with lovely friends plans... none of which include drinking. thank gawd. There will be taco consumption, playing with a cute puppy, catching up and crying, amd movie watching. yay! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think maybe I should quit drinking.
...okay that will never happen.
BUT I should cut down.
I should leave my cell phone at home.
When I get drunk, I can't pretend to be happy and positive like I can when I am sober.
it ruins my facade. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I don't know what else to say honestly since I am.... not talking about this over blog anymore except... I give up. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| that no one in my family gave me ANYTHING for my birthday.
I a pissed off allover again! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| yesterday I bawled...
Like I haven't bawled in a really fucking long time.
Nothing hurts me like the feeling of letting myself down. failing.
Then I cried all I could and came to my senses. Sometimes life is going to throw me shit and I have to figure out how to work with it.
I can mope OR I can make the most of it.
I don't need to be IN grad school to do some of the things i want to do.
Then I came into work today and I am removing staples from paper and other ridiculous tasks and my life feels so pointless...
I need to do something other than this... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So I feel like everything I thought was going to happen in my life just changed suddenly.
and I had no choice in it.
the standardized testing people over in the Netherlands chose my future... or chose to slow it down.
I don't believe in signs. I don't believe that things "happen for a reason." I do hope that this proves to have a reason however because now I am so scared of what is to come of me next.
My GRE reservation was cancelled and i was not notified. I found out today when i called them. They claimed 100% fault and offered me nothing. It was the last day to insure that I got the scores in by the december 1st deadline... and now, I have another year off school. Grad school will be occurring fall 2008. UNLESS I decide to go to antioch.
I am so in limbo. I am trying to look at this as a positive that I have another year to prepare for the GRE's and am going to follow a schedule and take them about april. I have that much time to also write my statement, get my letters, build my resume. Get another job that is more relevant. I think this may be pushing me to make something more of myself. I start applying for jobs next week. I am doing the same for internships. I have a list ready and I need to go for it. I have a huge stack of books and... I am going to start reading them.
UNLESS I apply to antioch.. I will be dedicating time to getting my statement of purpose done fast.
I am going to reanalyze my interest in getting my nurse pract. degree, possible law school, and possible public health route- all related to gender variant issues. i get to think about which route to take.
I am going to examine further the option of studying in a different country or applying to small programs for AIDS relief and health issues. I may as well examine all my options while I have this unwanted time off.
I really don't know how to even talk about this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| MY BFF is there while I am at work... and she will still be there when I get done. and I get to hang out with her for at least 4 days before she goes to LA and then comes back to live here for awhile. I never want her to leave. Just knowing she is around me makes me so happy. Maybe that is another reason I have been happy for 20 days straight... i knew she was coming back or, since I visited I also knew that I have her in my life forever and our friendship means as much to her as it does me. This may seem corny but it doesn't matter. I haven't loved anyone this much (I never love anyone as much as I love the closest friend in my life) since Courtney. I have never had someone that I feel knows me and accepts me as much as I do them.
YAY! OMG. again... corny. but whatever! haha. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| RULES: Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.at the very least comment to cure my curiosity...
Mine is NOT interesting. I suck haha.
1. I masterbate 2 times a day on a slow day.
2. On that note, I mostly masterbate to amateur straight porn. I just focus out the guy and concentrate on the girl. What can I say, lesbian porn is so bad. And queer porn is very hard to come by.
3. On that note again (u can see where MY head is at), I started masterbating when I was 6.
4. Sometimes I see someone and I think they are a cute andro girl but really they are a boy and I become very disspointed. This happens like daily.
5. I sometimes listen to Avril Lavigne on my Ipod.
6. If I am expecting a message back on myspace, I may hit refresh every 2 minutes.
7. I have had a rockstar nearly everyday since freshman year of college. Think 2002.
8. I change my outfit about 3 times a day.
9. I have only had an orgasm that was from g-spot stimulation. I don’t even know where mine is.
10. I am always naked.
I tag (and I doubt anyone will do this):
juiceboat
nostitchtowear
and i don't remember you lj names:
norah
jeb
donovan
stephanie | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I don't understand why...
even as I become happy in general,
I still do not like what I see in the mirror.
I am learning to see what others may see attractive about me but
I would do anything to clear up my skin (it hurts so bad as I am trying to clear it up before and see if it is a soy allergy or not),
lose 10-15 lbs,
lose some of my ass...
So I spend as much time as I can avoiding the mirror.
and when I can't avoid it, I concetrate on the things I know are true or the things I like.
it's all about perception right? I have changed my perception about everything else, why not this?
I concentrate on the muscle that is there now, instead of that fat that still exists because I have been working so hard.. too hard to not give any attention to.
I am eating healthy.
I run 3-4 days a week.
I lift my weights daily.
The results aren't there but I have to respect that this is the way I am supposed to be.
And i try to concentrate on what others say about me.
I go out and act like I am a cocky bastard because that is what people like.
I wear what i think is fun even if I don't think i should be or don't think i look good in it...
and...
I go with it.
and everyday, i do get that much closer to seeing what other people see.
But I also learn to love the other things about me that aren't visible and that is what is really making me happy.
I enjoy life right now.
I wish that my body would match this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Who wants to go with me? Well I am sure I know of a lot of people who would want to go with me out in the real world.... not the LJ one ;)
Leslie Feinberg--Trans/labor/anti-war-activist, author, and all around
cultural/social revolutionary to be on
campus! www.transgenderwarrior.org
When: Monday, November 20th at 6pm
Why:To honor Trans Day of Remembrance
Where: HUB Auditorium
What: Hear Leslie speak about his/her knew book Drag King Dreams and
trans activism in a globalized world.
A Trans Day of Remembrance candle light vigil will follow the speaking
event. If it is raining we will meet under the Allen-Suzallo bridge.
Tickets required--Student tickets are FREE and available at the Q Center
and the GBLTC
Community tickets are $4 and must be purchased at the UW HUB Ticket
office for cash only. You cannot purchase tickets by phone, only in
person.
For more info contact qcenter@u.washington.edu or
asuwgblc@u.washington.edu | | comments: Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
iheartincubus's journal